How to Help and Keep Your Cool When Your Spouse is Emotionally Dysregulated

Emotional dysregulation can create significant challenges in relationships, especially when one partner struggles to manage their emotions. If your spouse experiences difficulty controlling their emotional responses, you might encounter moments of tension or heightened conflict. Navigating this requires both supporting them and staying grounded yourself. With the right communication techniques and emotional regulation strategies, you can foster a healthier, more connected relationship.

Let’s dive into some inspiring ways to support your spouse—including Gottman therapy techniques, co-regulation strategies, and self-regulation methods—that will empower both of you to manage emotional dysregulation more effectively.

1. Understand Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation refers to difficulty managing intense emotions, which can manifest as extreme sadness, anger, anxiety, or irritability. When your spouse becomes emotionally dysregulated, they may feel overwhelmed or out of control. Recognizing that their responses often stem from underlying stress, trauma, or mental health concerns can help you approach the situation with empathy rather than frustration.

Understanding the root of emotional dysregulation encourages patience and can help you respond more effectively.

2. Use Gottman Therapy's Softened Start-Up

In emotionally charged situations, how you begin a conversation makes all the difference. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes the importance of a “softened start-up” to prevent defensiveness and conflict escalation. This approach encourages starting conversations gently, with empathy, and avoiding blame or criticism.

Instead of saying, "You're always so dramatic," try:

"I notice you're feeling upset, and I want to understand what you're going through."

A softened start-up helps your spouse feel heard and reduces the likelihood of them feeling attacked or becoming more dysregulated.

3. Practice Co-Regulation Through Attunement

Co-regulation involves using your own calm and presence to help regulate your spouse’s emotions. It’s a key concept in emotionally supportive relationships, where partners help each other feel safe and grounded during moments of distress. When your spouse is emotionally dysregulated, your calm presence can serve as a stabilizing force.

Here are some ways to practice co-regulation:

• Non-verbal cues: Use eye contact, nodding, and an open body posture to show that you’re present and supportive.

• Physical touch: If appropriate, offer a calming touch such as holding their hand or placing a hand on their back.

• Breathing together: Gently encourage deep, slow breathing to help them self-soothe. Say something like, “Let’s take a few deep breaths together.”

This attunement helps your spouse feel emotionally safe, which can lower their stress response.

4. Responding to Emotional Bids with Gottman’s Principle

In moments of emotional dysregulation, your spouse may be making emotional bids for connection, even if their behavior seems difficult. An emotional bid could be a request for attention, reassurance, or empathy. Gottman’s research shows that consistently "turning toward" these bids—responding warmly and acknowledging their feelings— greatly strengthens your emotional bond.

For example, if your spouse says something like, “I can’t handle this anymore,” it’s an emotional bid. Instead of dismissing it, you could turn toward them by responding, “I’m here for you. Let’s figure this out together.”

Turning toward these emotional bids can enhance understanding and support, assuring your spouse that they’re not alone.

5. Self-Regulation: Manage Your Own Emotions First

In the face of emotional dysregulation, it’s essential to regulate your own emotional state. Self-regulation is the process of recognizing and managing your own feelings, so you don’t become reactive or overwhelmed.

Some effective self-regulation strategies include:

• Pause and breathe: When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, pause and take a few deep breaths to calm your nervous system.

• Check in with your body: Notice if you’re holding tension in your body (e.g., clenched jaw, tight shoulders) and consciously relax those areas.

• Use positive self-talk: Remind yourself, “I can stay calm. I don’t need to solve everything right now.”

By self-regulating, you’re better equipped to handle difficult situations and offer calm support to your spouse.

6. Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms for Your Spouse

Your spouse may not yet have effective tools for managing their emotional responses, so suggesting healthy coping mechanisms can help them build emotional resilience. Encourage activities that promote self-regulation and stress relief, such as going a walk, cuddling your dog or cat, or taking care of physical needs like eating if blood sugar is low or drinking some water can make a big difference.

Co-regulating by modeling these behaviors yourself can also encourage your spouse to adopt healthier coping methods.

7. Set Boundaries with Compassion

While supporting your spouse is crucial, it’s equally important to set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Healthy boundaries ensure that your spouse knows you care while also safeguarding your energy.

For example, you might say:

"I want to be here for you, but I also need to take care of myself. Let's take a break and come back to this when we're both calmer."

This balance between compassion and self-care prevents you from becoming emotionally exhausted and encourages healthier interactions in the long term.

8. Use Gottman’s Repair Attempts During Conflict

Inevitably, conflicts will arise, especially during moments of emotional dysregulation. **Repair attempts** are strategies couples use to de-escalate tension and get back on track. They can be as simple as a humorous comment, a gentle touch, or an apology. Gottman’s research shows that couples who make and accept repair attempts are more likely to resolve conflicts effectively.

During a heated moment, you might say something like:

“I don’t want us to argue. Can we pause and come back to this?”

This gives you both space to cool down and reassess the conversation with a calmer nervous system and clearer perspective.

9. Seek Professional Support Together

If emotional dysregulation is a recurring issue in your relationship, seeking professional help can be invaluable. Couples therapy, particularly using Gottman methods, can teach both partners skills for communication, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation. Additionally, therapies like EMDR or Brainspotting can help your partner process underlying trauma, which may be contributing to their emotional dysregulation.

Helping a spouse navigate emotional dysregulation while keeping your cool can be challenging, but it’s possible with patience, understanding, and effective techniques. By using Gottman strategies like the softened start-up and turning toward emotional bids, practicing co-regulation, and maintaining your own self-regulation, you can create a supportive environment that fosters healing and connection.

Remember, you are both on this journey together, and it’s okay to seek help when needed. With time and effort, you can build a more resilient, emotionally balanced, and connected relationship.