Perfectionism, Childhood Trauma, and Finding a Way Through
Perfectionism is often seen as a strength—something that pushes people to work hard, get things right, and be successful. But when perfectionism grows out of childhood trauma, it’s not really about striving for excellence. It’s about survival.
For many people, perfectionism began as a way to stay safe, loved, or accepted in an environment where those things weren’t always secure. And it doesn’t always look like being the “straight-A student.” Sometimes it shows up as doing too much, and other times it looks like doing too little. Both are valid ways the nervous system learned to cope.
How Childhood Trauma Shapes Perfectionism
As children, we adapt quickly to what keeps us safe. If approval or love seemed tied to performance, we may have learned to push ourselves harder and harder. If achievement drew criticism, jealousy, or pressure, we may have learned that it felt safer not to try at all.
Overachieving can look like working relentlessly, holding impossibly high standards, or tying self-worth to accomplishment.
Underachieving can look like procrastination, avoidance, or giving up before starting—because failure feels too painful or threatening.
Even though these responses look opposite, both are rooted in the same drive: protection.
How This Shows Up in Adult Life
Perfectionism can show up in many ways:
Procrastination that masks a fear of not being good enough
Burnout from overcommitting and never feeling finished
Harsh self-talk or shame around mistakes
Avoiding opportunities because the risk of failure feels overwhelming
A constant sense of pressure, even when no one else is asking for it
These patterns aren’t about laziness or ambition. They’re your nervous system doing what it learned long ago: staying safe.
Therapy Approaches That Can Help
Healing perfectionism isn’t about forcing yourself to “do better” or “be less hard on yourself.” It’s about shifting the old beliefs and patterns that formed when you were younger, so you can live from a place of safety and self-compassion instead of fear.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
EMDR helps your nervous system process the memories and beliefs that fuel perfectionism. The goal isn’t to erase the past, but to release the charge it holds so you can respond differently in the present.
Parts Work
Perfectionism often comes from protective “parts” of you—like the part that drives you to overachieve or the part that convinces you not to try. Parts work helps you meet these parts with curiosity and compassion, so they don’t have to work so hard to protect you anymore.
ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)
ACT teaches you to notice perfectionistic thoughts without getting tangled up in them. Instead of being ruled by “I need to get it right,” you can focus on what matters to you—your values—and take meaningful steps forward, even if they’re imperfect.
Moving Forward
If you see yourself in overachieving, underachieving, or swinging between the two, know this: perfectionism isn’t who you are. It’s a strategy you developed to get through hard things. That means it’s also something that can soften with healing.
With support, you can move from protection into possibility—living with more balance, more compassion, and more trust in yourself.
If perfectionism has been part of your story and you’re ready to work through the patterns holding you back, I’d be honored to support you. Reach out to schedule a consultation and start your healing journey.